Or “Things a person might find herself thinking if she is 7 days overdue and is just very slightly at risk of becoming a crazy person”
1. Oh wow, that was a really big sneeze. That’s bound to get things started.
2. Maybe I’m in labour right now but I’m just so chilled out I don’t even notice.
3. My shoulder hurts a bit. Is that a sign?
4. Those birds have been hanging around outside all day. Do they know something’s about to happen? Are they prophetic birds? Is this a sign?
5. Hooray! Diahorrea!
6. a) Is that a contraction? No, I just need a wee.
b) Is that a contraction? No, just a wee.
c) Is that a contraction? No, another wee.
7. Maybe I’m not pregnant after all. Perhaps this whole thing is one of those phantom pregnancies you hear about and which are apparently very common in goats. Maybe I’m a goat?
8. Maybe I should do a pregnancy test, just to make sure.
9. Maybe I am destined to find fame and fortune as the first woman in history who is pregnant FOR EVER.
10. Maybe I’m not trying hard enough. Maybe if I just concentrate a bit more I can turn one of those Braxton Hicks into a real contraction.
11. Am I trying too hard? Maybe I need a distraction for a while. But what if then I’m not trying hard enough? (repeat ad nauseum)
12. If I go into labour right now, I reckon I could still have the baby out in time for lunch/dinner/bedtime/whatever. (then go to thoughts 10 and 11)
13. Maybe the reason women carry their babies in a big giant belly is to make it physically impossible for them to reach in and haul the thing out when they just can’t take it any more.
14. Maybe if I let big child sit on my belly, it’ll pop out and fly across the room.
15. Maybe if I jump up and down really hard, that’ll do it. What the hell am I thinking? I haven’t been capable of jumping for months.
16. Maybe if I act as if I am in labour, then it will be so. If I call the midwife and get in the pool, then the baby will have to come out.